Tenement of clay
Tenement reaper
Of the soil
Dressed in charcoal felt
What pessimistic views
Will you enforce upon
The sickle
Heaven gates
Is that of plastic arches
While
A clay pit hole
And a
Decaying solitude
Is gold
In a sense of realisation
With a absent of oxygen
You will become that of
The earth
Proton and neutron birth
We are a result of
An expanding reaction
Wish to be young
84 more years to laugh
And a year
To make peace with god
Absent of colour
Upon a vintage ripe
Becomes less of a foal temptress
When justified to
When you
Create moral
You are engraved
for society
© copyright luke instone-brewer 2006
this was beautiful. i loved your imagery and word-choice, but i must voice a singular critique - your line breaks sometimes confuse me, make me unsure of the start and end of phrases, and i only could wish that NOTHING would take away from the feeling of the poem. otherwise, i loved your descriptiveness.
Loved the title.
Problem - you have no punctuation. Commas, semi-colons, full-stops... your poem is not complete without them. Before I'd consider this anywhere *near* acceptable, you need to get your end-stopping and enjambement right.
Secondly, your grammar is very bad. Things like "With a absent of oxygen" or "Becomes less of a foal temptress" or "Heaven gates/Is that of plastic arches" stand out, because they don't make sense. You've got to read your sentances and make sure they are actually good english.
This strikes me as a good concept, but it's all extremely jumbled - you need some punctation, grammar; structure, really, to make it read like a real poem. That said, I was very impressed with some of the images you conjured up, so that's a big plus.
Right-o, that's all.
clever stuff great use of words nice 1 keep it up u make one of the best poems on this site
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